Do conversations with your toddler sound like this:
Toddler: can we go to the beach in Ohio.
Mom: You want to go to the beach? Sorry, there aren't any beaches in Ohio.
Toddler: why?
Mom: well there are places like the beach, but not like the ones near the ocean.
Toddler: oh, why?
Mom: Because Ohio is not by the ocean.
Toddler: we can go to California. They have a beach.
Mom: we can't go to California. You have to fly there, remember?
Toddler: why?
Mom: because it's far away. It would take to long to drive there.
Toddler: why!
Mom: because California is on the other side of the United States.
Toddler: why?
And so the conversation continues on and on.
If this is you, you are not alone. I have a love hate relationship with the question, 'why?' when it comes to my toddler. This is rooted in growing up with the running joke of children being this sort of nuisance with their overuse of the word to gain understanding. You'd think your many clarifications were enough.
I've also grown to love the fact that my child is curious enough to want to know about the world around him. The best part is when we get to learn something together. I never knew how much random knowledge I could obtain as adult. I have a list of facts sitting in my brain about octopus, dinosaurs and construction vehicles that I am sure may be of some use on a trivia night.
The sound of why on repeat may sometimes not be the most appealing after hearing it for the 100th time today, but for a child, it can be the most beautiful question they could ask. Why? They came to you to understand the world around them and they think we are the most knowledgeable beings. Most importantly, they are developing their curious minds. So, I want my child to keep asking why and I want to explore the answers together.
Now, what can we do when the why's just don't stop? Like, no matter what answer you give, it's not enough? This is what has helped me. I had to stop and think about what the "why" meant. I have come to realize, that my child's whys are not the same.
Through my observation, I've come up with three reasons why children may ask why:
Simply for curiosity's sake. They want to know why something works and gain a better understanding of the world around them. These are great opportunities to search the answer together. We like to find educational videos on YouTube or go to the library to find a book on the subject. If it's something in nature, exploring together without having an answer, can help the child come to the realization themselves.
They want to socialize with you. This why could be a response just to keep the conversation going. Similar to an "Oh", or "I see".
My son has caught on to me when he tells me something. If I respond with a "yeah?" or "okay," he is not pleased and will say, "don't say yeah. You have to talk," meaning, "I want a conversation." I have noticed this a lot lately. He is not only trying to clarify something, but he wants us to talk about it more. So I may give more detail and he will respond with his interpretation or understanding.
They may not understand at the moment. The why may not be for us to further explain but to reframe how we explained it in the first place. For instance, if I tell my son to pick up his toys and he asks why, I may respond with it's messy and it's time to clean up. He may ask again, "why?" At this point, he knows why he has to clean up his toys. What he is doing is trying to clarify why it's important right now. So instead of explaining something I know that he already understands I would respond differently. "We have your dentist appointment so it's time to get going. We need to make sure our space is clean before we head out." If we have time, my son loves the comfort that a timer brings him. "How many minutes on the timer before we clean up?" He always says five minutes, so I try to give him at least five minutes before we need to start heading out the door.
That was a lot of whys, but hopefully that list helps.
Let me know the ways you like to respond to your child's why questions?
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